Being Asian, there is a lot of weight put on money. From an early age, I was brainwashed to thinking the more of it I had, the better I would be. I wrongly linked money to my own self worth. When I was a kid, my parents took a short trip. They left us with some money for my younger brother and I to use. I was determined to use as little of it as possible. Who knows what was going through my head, but my guess was I wanted to show my parents I was responsible and could save a lot of money. This came in real handy during the recession as we all had to tighten the purse strings, but I believe if taken too far, one can be a slave to money and not fully enjoy their life. Always being frugal and saving every little penny made me feel better about myself. In fact, this was the only thing I could do well, save and live on the bare minimal. Sadly, due to my total dependence on other people, my skill to generate more money did not exist so all I could do was save whatever I could. Thankfully I am learning to enjoy the finer things in life. Once again, better late than never. This seems to be a common theme.
Looking back, I had no mind of my own. I did whatever my parents told me and I tried to do everything for my parents so they would be proud of me. Initially this sounds very proper and noble. But in reality it made me too dependent on others. I had no preferences and opinions. To make matters worse, my self esteem and self worth were a mess because it was too tightly integrated with other people's approval. Negative feedback or constructive criticisms were interpreted as personal attacks which sunk me lower than I already was. This critical flaw took more than thirty years to unwind. Better late than never, right?
My childhood and early years were great because, honestly, I was spoiled, big time. Don't get me wrong, my parents were great and I will be forever grateful. But since they did everything for me, it paved the way for a very challenging adult life. I compare it to a child star. Their people, my parents took care of everything. They fed me, cleaned up after me, and even picked out my clothes. One could argue at some point you would have to break out on your own and form your own opinions and independence. I challenge why would you want to or have to? Your every needs were served on a silver platter. I would guess most people would ride this lifestyle for as long as possible. Thankfully I didn't crash and burn like most child stars, but I did have a lot of issues in my head. I was catered to all my life, but as the first (Asian) born son, I also carried the burden of bringing honor to my family. Unfortunately, I almost had none of the skills necessary to bring this to fruition.
I don't remember too much from my childhood, but I do recall the general feeling of being happy, having fun, and not having any worries. This feeling spanned from the beginning to high school. Life moved at a slower pace. My biggest concerns were food, recess, and the weekend. Growing up I often heard the saying that adults forget how to be kids. We get so wrapped up with the rat race and our adult responsibilities, we forget the happier facets of our life. The flip side is when we were younger, we had almost no responsibilities and didn't know any better. Perhaps the biggest lesson today is to get in touch with your inner child.
For as far as I can remember, I wanted more. To be more, to do more, to have more... I guess this is human nature, but the memory from my younger days still burns. These days that feeling of want is there, but more under control. But during high school, college, and almost all my adult life, wanting more almost consumed me. Sadly, what was even more frustrating was I wanted more, but almost did nothing to get more. I believe I tried my best at the time, but I lacked the tools, the skills, and the mindset to actually get more. In the past, I froze myself because there were just so many themes and concepts to talk about. Now I am just going to freely go back in time and review the steps or missteps from the past to the present, correcting my course along the way. What is that saying, "Ready, Fire, and Aim"?
The saying life is a journey and not a destination is so true. I'm in a much better place now, but am always eager to learn and improve. For the longest time, I was frozen in fear of the unknown. Why am I doing this for? Is this a waste of time? Will I be criticized and laughed at? Am I a good enough writer? Does my website look pretty enough? How will I attract readers? For years, I did nothing. Just the other day, a light bulb went off. Enough is enough. Just do it. Not for anyone else, but for myself.
My journey has taken another turn. In the past, I would try to find my happy medium and improve on what I felt were many, many problems internally or talk it out with friends and family. After years of "finding myself", why not share the journey? If one other person benefits from my experience, terrific. If no one ever benefits, the process of writing it out and explaining myself will benefit yours truly. It's a win win situation no matter how you slice it! A wise old friend told me years ago, "if not now, when?" Old friend, when is now...
