Another bad habit that plagued me through the years was storytelling. I think you all can see, since my self-esteem was already low, the stories I would tell myself in my head would not be too positive. Like other posts, it was the beginning of a very bad cycle. An incident would happen, I would make it worst by letting my imagination run wild further damaging myself. Negativity breeds even more negativity. Nowadays, I try and cut the stories down or at least add a positive spin to it.
I heard this saying from an early age, but never really got it till now. During times of stress or if things didn't go my way, it ballooned and got more magnified in my mind. I couldn't help myself. The negative energy just fed on itself. Even while repeating "Don't make mountains out of molehills in my head" wouldn't help. Somehow my body and mind actually believed and practiced the saying. Until that day comes, the saying is just words that go through one ear and out the other. How can you speed up the "get it" process? Can it even be done? I intend to find out.
Nowadays my self esteem and confidence is not a problem. But when I was younger, it was on full display by my posture. I recall my parents reminding me to stand tall, but mentally I couldn't do it. I felt small. I actually felt arrogant and unnatural. It was difficult at the time, but if I could do it all over I would tell myself even though it felt funny, stand tall. It projects higher self esteem and confidence. The people you interact with will treat you in kind. Hopefully this positive response will build you up and continue the cycle. What actually happened was the negative. I came in weak, people responded to be weakly, and I even felt less confident.
Coming from an Asian family, my parents pushed us to excel in academics. Sadly, combined with low self esteem, this high pressured pushing was a lethal combination that needed years to understand and unwind. An example seared into my memory was an exam where I studied, worked hard on, and scored a 98 percent. My parents picked on the one "careless" mistake which could have brought home a 100. I was devastated. My accomplished was dismissed and everyone fixated on that one missed question. Thankfully I did not spiral out of control. It was just unfortunate that I let it eat away at me so much and I didn't have the communication skills to express my frustration. I internalized it and even gave myself ulcers. Grueling times, but what didn't kill me made me stronger.
In intermediate school, I was voted most shy. Looking back, it was the truth. I was extremely shy and only opened up with my friends. It was a Catch-22 as I used the label as an excuse. Since I always looked for other people to validate me, I let it stick and allowed it to define me. I continued to be shy and did not want to break out of it because my class did vote for me. I am what I am and since most of my class felt this way it must be true and I should just let it continue to be true. Add this label to my low self esteem and I sank even lower. It took years for me to make a positive change. Labels are quite hazardous to your (mental) health.
When I was in elementary school, I also went to Chinese school. I actually did pretty well. Sadly, my vision went bad. I could no longer see the chalkboard. Due to my low self esteem, I felt flawed and was too embarrassed to tell my parents or ask for help. In a move that still boggles my mind today, I ditched classes. My parents found out later and just assumed I wasn't interested. If I could turn back time, I would have come clean about why I was ditching class. Not to blame, but if I were my parents, I would have investigated deeper why I dropped out. It's a bit blurry, but I think I just said I didn't want to and they just let it go. When I was younger, communication wasn't as strong as it is now. But everyone would have benefited if I had just confessed about needing eyeglasses.
